If you are a parent who has decided to get a divorce, you may have spent countless hours worrying about how to tell the children about the split. There are many things to keep in mind when choosing how and when to tell your children about the end of your marriage. Every parent facing this difficult conversation hopes that it will go as smoothly as possible. Understandably, many children are upset when they hear about the forthcoming separation, but research shows that there are several steps parents can take to minimize the distraught caused by breaking the news of divorce to their kids.

Do Not Tell Children About the Divorce Until You Are Totally Certain

If you and your spouse have discussed the possibility of separating, but there is still a chance that you will stay together, you should wait to discuss this with children. For example, if a couple is experiencing extreme conflict or disconnectedness, but they both believe that there is still a possibility of saving the marriage, they should not bring the children into the situation. If you and your spouse both agree that you are beyond the point of reconciliation, you may be ready to tell your children about the separation.

Break the News With Your Spouse

One way parents can help comfort children and reduce the trauma caused by the news of divorce is by delivering the news as a team. If possible, most experts suggest that parents should be together when they tell the children about their plans to separate. Sitting with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse while explaining the situation to the children helps assure the children that although their parents are divorcing each other, the parent-child relationship remains intact.

The Millennial generation certainly has its own ideas about marriage, and, in many ways, they are not like those of their parents. An interesting shift is taking place in the way younger people perceive marriage and its importance. Throughout the last 60 years, several trends have arisen. People, in general, are waiting longer to get married, divorce is more common, and couples are having fewer children. During the 1950s, 75 percent of women in their early 20s were married whereas only 50 percent are now.

Repeating History

It is true that young people are waiting longer to get married and having fewer children, however, the trend we are experiencing today with is not unlike the time before the post-war baby boom. The average age at which couples get married today is only slightly higher than the average age of those in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

What has changed since the 50s? Over the last several decades, there has been a dramatic shift in many aspects of American society. Women are more invested in their careers, there is less pressure to have a traditional family, and debt from student loans are all factors that contribute to the postponement of marriage. Furthermore, it is more socially acceptable to have children before getting married than it was during the much more conservative 1950s.

When a couple with children gets divorced in Illinois, they are required to create a parenting plan. A parenting plan is a formal document that lays out each parent’s responsibilities and rights regarding the child and provides a foundation for ongoing, cooperative parenting. If the parents cannot come up with a workable plan on their own, the court may do for them.

Under Illinois law, there are over a dozen considerations that must be included or addressed in a parenting plan, including things such as a parenting time schedule and the child’s permanent address for school enrollment purposes. Other elements can also be included at the discretion of the parents or the court, including the right of first refusal. If the right of first refusal has been included in your parenting plan, you need to know what it means.

Bonus Parenting Time

For the purposes of a parenting plan, the right of first refusal applies when a parent needs childcare during his or her allotted parenting time. Depending on how the right is structured in your plan, the right of first refusal could apply when one parent has meeting some evening or it could be saved for longer periods, such as an all-day event on a weekend when the parent was supposed to have parenting time. If the right of first refusal is invoked, the parent who needs child care must let the other parent know and give the other parent the chance to have extra parenting time.

Each year, hundreds of thousands of Americans get divorced. While the divorce rate is lower than it was a few decades ago, divorce is still common throughout the country. Despite, people seem hesitant to give up on finding love and marital bliss, even if their first marriage fails. In fact, a recent study found that a full 40 percent of marriages today include at least one person who has been married before. In about half of those marriages, both spouses are on their second, third, or subsequent marriage. It is estimated that about 60 percent of divorced or widowed Americans will eventually remarry.

Such numbers certainly seem to portray a level of optimism regarding how we approach marriage as a society. If you are considering getting married again after a divorce, however, there are some things you need to keep in mind, including:

• Termination of spousal support: If you currently receive maintenance payments—also called alimony or spousal support—from your ex under the terms of your divorce settlement, getting remarried will almost certainly put an end to those payments. Under Illinois law, you moving in with your fiancé could be enough to terminate your ex’s maintenance obligation;
• Parental responsibilities and parenting time: Your remarriage does not guarantee a change in your responsibilities regarding your children. However, parenting time schedules and other concerns related to child custody are based on the circumstances of each family. A remarriage could definitely change your circumstances, so modifications to your parenting plan could be necessary;
• Child support payments: In most cases, getting remarried will not affect your child support obligations or your eligibility to continue receiving child support. The child’s parents are still responsible for supporting the child, regardless of the existence of new spouses. If, however, you decide to change jobs or stop working due to your new marriage, or if you have a child with your new spouse, those factors could affect child support; and
• Inheritance rights: Do you have family heirlooms or important possessions that you want your children to receive when you die? If you do not formalize your wishes in a prenuptial agreement, it could be your new spouse who receives the property intended for your children.

As the old adage says, there are exceptions to almost every rule, so the considerations mentioned above should serve as a reminder of things to be aware of rather than advice for your unique situation.

If you are in the process of ending your marriage, there is a good chance that you are beginning to realize that your life is much different compared to when you were married. If you have children, the differences are probably even more notable. For many divorced parents, the first school year after the divorce is the most challenging, as they must establish new routines for their children and boundaries for the parents. When back-to-school season falls in the midst of your divorce, you will need to take steps to ensure that your children have every possible opportunity to succeed.

Figure Out a Way to Cooperate

Every situation is unique, and there is no easy way to decide how you and your spouse will work together regarding school. Decisions regarding the allocation of parental responsibility may still be pending, so you might both still share decision-making authority for school-related concerns. The best option is for you and your spouse to put your differences aside and to create a plan designed to let your child thrive in the new school year. If this is not possible, you may need to ask the court to issue a temporary order allowing you to make education plans on your own.