Recent Blog Posts
Ways to Make a Divorce Less Stressful
Divorce is a stressful event in anyone’s life. It does not just affect the two exes involved but can ripple through whole families. Kids are especially affected by the consequences of a divorce. In order to keep the hassles of a divorce to a minimum, there are a couple of different methods you can employ to lower the stress.
The first advice is to acknowledge the cause of your divorce but avoid pointing fingers. Look towards the things that you would stress your relationship such as financial issues, bad habits, drug use, or other things. By understanding the things that set you off, you can try to limit how it affects you.
Also notice how you would communicate to your spouse and what is deficient about that communication. Use that information to guide show you how to act more collaboratively while seeking a divorce. That can mean learning how to communicate with your ex in a constructive manner in which you can explain what you feel without being angry or hurtful.
Courage A Critical Factor In Divorce, Study Says
A recent study from Slater & Gordon finds that although there are a myriad of reasons that couples choose to obtain a divorce, courage is one of the strongest factors in actually taking the step towards legal action. A majority of people choosing not to move forward with divorce action hesitated as a result of lack of courage.
Reasons for seeking divorce varied among men and women, not surprisingly. Women reported that financial issues in the marriage and a lack of “fun” were leading reasons for their interest in divorce, while men noted dissatisfaction with their sex lives as a leading cause. For both genders however, a lack of courage was named as the number one reason holding individuals back from contacting an attorney and setting the divorce wheels in motion.
Men and women, however, cited different hesitations about taking the divorce plunge: men were concerned about the impact on the family unit while women worried more about the financial complications that divorce could cause. One quarter of couples noted that they chose to stay together for the benefit of the children. In some scenarios, though, staying together might also be negative for the children, especially if parents are fighting constantly. In these cases, divorce might be challenging, but overall a better outcome for the kids involved.
Divorce Study Shows Link Between Joint Custody and Infant Caregiver Attachment
A recent study released by the University of Virginia found that infants who spent one night or more each week away from their mothers had less secure bonds with those mothers. Babies who spent more time with their mothers or those who stayed with a father during the day had more secure attachments to the mother. The impacts of divorce and custody arrangements can reach out even to infants.
The study was conducted using data from the Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study. The study is a longitudinal collection of data from 5,000 children in big cities across the U.S. between 1998 and 2000. The data was collected by using interviews with parents of the children starting at birth, and then again at ages 1 and 3. Researcher Samantha Tornello, the lead author for the study, says that link between attachment in infancy and healthy relationships into adulthood is a strong one.
Coping with Divorce: Physical Side Effects
We recently wrote on weight gain associated with divorce. Physical stress, however, is only one of the effects of divorce. Divorces are tough! Even the most amicable divorces have long-term effects on those involved. It is easy to see how people may perceive divorce as a personal failure, and the stigma that comes with divorce can be heavy.
However, new divorcees have to realize that the real strength lies in being able to move forward. This takes hard work, commitment and an approach focused on developing the physical, emotional and intellectual parts of a person’s life.
Physical exercise is essential. Not only does it make the body feel better, it also allows the mind to think clearly – an essential tool in an emotionally charged situation. In addition, physical fitness fills time that one could otherwise spend drowning in a wasteful spiral of negative thoughts.
Whose Child is it, anyway?
Adoption laws vary by state. While some states have adopted uniform laws, couples considering adoption must ensure that they follow the laws of the state in which they live. Illinois has very specific adoption laws, and failure to meet their requirements can mean big headaches down the road.
First, the adopting parents must have resided in Illinois for at least six months and be under no legal disability. The statute shortens the residence requirement for members of the armed forces to 90 days.
Second, any person may be adopted, independently of their age. However, if the person being adopted is an adult, they must have resided in the same residence as the adopting parent for two continuous years prior to the filing.
Weight Gain and Divorce
A new study reports that while both men and women tend to gain a little weight after marriage, “men tend to gain even more after divorce,” according to SeattlePI.com. The study uses data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, which, according to SeattlePI.com, is a biannual survey that considers data from men and women from 1986 to 2008. Researchers obtained data by considering the body mass index of “folks who were never married, were married, or were divorced.” Divorce turned out to be a significant marker of BMI increase, especially in men.
Dr. Zhenchao Qian, an Ohio State University sociology professor and one of the lead authors of the study, told SeattlePI that “after marriage, women will take care of their families and maybe eat the way their husband does or their children do.” This change of routine is what likely causes weight gain at the beginning of marriage. For men, the health benefits of marriage are many—“married men are more likely to go for routine medical checkups and take better care of their health needs than bachelors.” And yet, according to the study, if these men become bachelors again after a divorce, they quickly revert to their less-diligent ways. 
To Avoid Divorce, Positive Must Outweigh Negative
There are two opposing psychological schools of thought regarding conflict in marriage. While both acknowledge that marriage arguments “can be upsetting,” according to Psychology Today, some psychologists believe that not all marriage conflicts can be resolved at all. Others regard marriage as a partnership that’s required to give and take in all areas, and that by doing so, all marriages can be saved. According to Susan Heitler writing for Psychology Today, most therapists agree that fixing marriage problems requires that couples learn to resolve their difference collaboratively.” The question is whether this type of collaboration is possible to resolve all conflicts, or if sometimes the married couple should stop trying to compromise and just call it quits.
Helping your Child Cope with Divorce
Thousands of kids will experience the stress of finding out that their parents are divorcing. The age of the child is just one of the factors that will dictate how they will process the news and how they will react. They will also be seriously affected by the circumstances of the divorce. Your children are going to need your guidance while coping with this. In addition to hiring a competent Illinois divorce lawyer, here are a few things that you can help them cope.
Be a Good Example
A part of helping your child cope is displaying healthy coping skills. Do not engage in arguments with your spouse while the children are around. There will be plenty to discuss however, you have to be careful of how you do it. Do not talk about the legal issues such as why you are getting the divorce, financial matters, or custody while in the presence of the child. Your child may hear just part of the conversation and they will feel even worse if it sounds like you are fighting over the child.
The Post-Divorce Fallout
Many recent divorcees, both men and women, report that they feel alone when they get a divorce. Of course, now that the spouse is gone, there is a lack of companionship. There is also another part of the isolation. Many divorced people report that they lose approximately 40 percent of their friends. What causes this phenomenon when it would be apparent that this is the time that you would need your friends the most?
The Stigma
A survey that was conducted showed that there is a stigma among young adults when it comes to divorce. This study showed that women who were divorced multiple times were thought to be immoral and even deviant. Studies show that this stigma does not really affect men. It seems that male divorcees are much more accepted.
Co-Parenting After Divorce
The process of going through a divorce is emotionally and financially stressful. Divorce can become even more stressful when children are involved. Children need to feel loved and secure, and the best way to ensure that children's needs are met is to learn how to co-parent efficiently.
The easiest way to begin making decisions with your ex that will benefit your children is to look at your relationship as a completely new one. This new relationship is not about the two of you, but rather it is about your children. In order to be a successful co-parent, you must always put your children ahead of yourself. You may no longer be a husband or a wife, but you are still a father or a mother.
In order to focus solely on your children, you must put all of your own emotions aside, which can be very difficult. This is both the most important and the most difficult part of working together with your ex. Your child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being are all more important than your current anger or hurt.
